Emotional regulation: why it’s harder for neurodivergent people and what you can do about it

The idea of ‘emotional regulation’ is often seen as the pinnacle of psychological wellbeing. But what does it really mean? Is emotional regulation really harder for neurodivergent people? This blog explores the myths about emotional regulation, explains why it’s more challenging for neurodivergent individuals and offers practical tips for beginning to build these skills.

What is emotional regulation?

Emotional regulation refers to how we respond to ourselves, what we say and do to ourselves when we are feeling distressed or dysregulated. It is not about ‘always staying calm’, or never ‘losing it’ with our kids. Parents often want emotional regulation because they’re worried that being angry, upset, or anxious might impact their relationship with their child, or negatively affect them. This is not true - nor what we should be aiming for. The key thing to remember is how and what we do afterwards to repair with our child when we do lose our cool (and we all will at some point as we are only human!).

The key thing to remember is how and what we do afterwards to repair with our child when we do lose our cool

Experiencing emotions is healthy, even if they sometimes feel intense and uncomfortable. Indeed, many neurodivergent people report that they do feel intense emotions. The reason emotions can feel uncomfortable is because it’s their job to let us know what’s up. They are like a radar helping us to determine what we need.

The reason emotions can feel uncomfortable is because it’s their job to let us know what’s up.

Our emotions have evolved for different reasons, for example, anxiety lets us know that something isn’t quite right and we feel unsafe. Anger tells us that our boundaries have been crossed and something isn’t fair. Sadness has evolved to help humans foster connection with others and let us know that we need comfort. Joy is a motivator, evolving to help us learn what feels good and to do more of it, which can be helpful for survival.

Emotional regulation is about noticing our emotions and then understanding the message they are bringing us, rather than ‘always staying calm’. Once we notice emotions, we might need to take some action based on this message for example, changing something, or soothing ourselves and returning us to a state of calm.

Emotional regulation is about noticing our emotions and then understanding the message they are bringing us, rather than ‘always staying calm’.

Why is emotion regulation harder for neurodivergent people?

There are differences in the way autistic people and ADHDers take in and process information compared to neurotypicals and this can affect their emotional regulation.

Alexythmia

An example of this is alexithymia, which autistic people often struggle with. Alexithymia means difficulty with recognising and naming your own and other people’s emotions. You might pick up on and feel emotions very strongly but find it hard to name what the emotion is. Not having language for emotions increases distress because emotions can feel confusing. It’s harder to regulate something if you don’t know the name of it, and it's harder to ask for help from others too.

Interoception

Interoception is a sensory experience relating to how much people can feel and judge what is physically happening inside their bodies. This can lead to differences in assessing body sensations such as hunger, pain, or emotional signals. As a result, emotions can appear as though they are coming out of the blue because someone hasn’t been able to notice the physical signals of that emotion arriving in their body. It’s harder to soothe emotions and access logical thinking skills when we are dysregulated.

Brain differences

Neurodivergent people also have inherent brain differences. For example, studies on ADHDers have shown brain differences in the part of the brain which is involved in executive functioning. Executive functioning is involved in regulation of attention, behaviour and emotions. There has also been research to show that autistic people have larger amygdala, the emotion/fear centre of the brain, but less connectivity between different parts of the brain which are involved in emotional regulation. These differences mean emotion can feel more intense and harder to regulate.

These differences can have positive consequences, for example, a larger capacity for positive emotions or a greater capacity for connection and empathy towards animals or objects and not just people.

Trauma

Neurodivergent people are more at risk of experiencing ‘small t and big T traumas’ for example, by existing in a world which isn’t designed for them, being diagnosed later in life and spending years feeling like there was something “wrong”, experiencing bullying, and more. They are likely to experience more stress day to day, for example, finding the sensory environment overwhelming, and juggling varying needs within a multiply neurodivergent household. Neurodivergent people can be more prone to self-criticism for various reasons and this self-criticism can actually keep our brains in a more dysregulated state. All these factors make emotional dysregulation more likely for a neurodivergent person.

What can you do?

The first step is to recognise that this is genuinely harder for you, and not to feel shame about these differences which are out of your control and not your fault.

Next, try to build a foundation that is optimal for your emotional wellbeing overall. This means prioritising the basics - eating, sleeping, exercise, doing things you enjoy, physical health - which is easier said than done if you’re a parent. It’s important to understand your non-negotiable needs and how you might communicate these to the people around you, at work, at home and with your children. This is especially important for multiply neurodivergent households, as there are likely to be differences in what everyone needs.

Start noticing and learning about your own emotional experiences. This might be tricky not only because of alexithymia and interoception differences, but because you might find yourself avoiding emotions, especially if they have been difficult to manage in the past. However, we know that if you ignore emotions they tend to pop up later, out of the blue. It is better to be forewarned, as you can act more quickly to regulate yourself when you are prepared. It will take some practice to notice your own signals for emotions.

Familiarise yourself with key words to describe emotions - the more language we have, the more accurately we can describe how we feel. Start with sad, happy, angry and anxious. Some people find it helpful to look at a ‘feelings wheel’ to identify different options.

Keep a diary of your week and see if you can notice when these emotions show up for you, and in what circumstances.

Record how you behave differently when you are sad compared to happy, for example. Do your thoughts change? Do you notice any body changes?

You might ask someone close to you for help with this.

Remember, regulation is a process of trial and error—it’s about learning what works for you.

Once you are more familiar with recognising your emotions, you could start to explore soothing techniques, such as deep breathing, grounding exercises, or seeking support from loved ones. Remember, regulation is a process of trial and error—it’s about learning what works for you.

Final thoughts

Emotional regulation is a lifelong journey, especially for neurodivergent individuals. By understanding your challenges, prioritising your wellbeing, and building awareness of your emotions, you *can* develop effective strategies to navigate them.

Emotional regulation is a complex topic - there’s always more to explore!

If you’re a neurodivergent parent looking for more detailed support with practical strategies for emotional regulation, join us in The Neurodivergent Parent Space. Our community offers access to our back catalogue of webinars (one is all about practical emotional regulation for neurodivergent people!), a new live webinar every month on other important topics, a library of tailored and evidence-based resources, and a warm community of neurodivergent parents who truly understand your experiences. We’d love to welcome you into ‘The Space’!